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The open,uncut and unapologetic account of a pessimistic,self-centered,constantly cribbing,highly intelligent yet incredibly stupid fruit.

Monday, 10 February 2014

19 Life Lessons we can all learn from Breaking Bad


A little late in the day, but I'm still hungover from the greatest show ever made. Here's a list of things we can all learn from this socially relevant masterpiece.



1. If you hate your job, quit. In STYLE.
Feel free to randomly curse your boss about his eyebrows, for added effect.

 

 2. School teachers deserve more salary. 
If you piss them off, they might just blow your ass open. Or poison you. Or shoot you awkwardly.



3.  Pay attention to science class in school.
You never know when it might come in handy in making a bomb.




4. Practice modesty. Being pompous just puts your fucking head on a turtle.
Figuratively speaking.



5. Pants are for pussies.



6. When you're angry, throw a pizza over the fucking roof.



7. Always respect your elders.
Even while calling your Uncle ji an asshole.



8. Adding 'bitch' at the end of your sentences make them sound 120% cooler.




9. NEVER register when websites ask you to.



10. Keep your friends close, and your lawyers closer.  



11. ALWAYS wear a hat.
It intimidates, confuses and seduces people at the same time.



12.   Knock-knock jokes will never be the same again.



13. Your wife might be a bitch. But she's probably the best friend you'll ever have.




14. Never trust an innocent face.



15. When you're down and depressed, inflate yourself.



16.  For some people, breakfast is EVERYTHING. Everything is just bullshit.



17. you're gonna miss out on a lot if you spend too much time on useless hobbies 
Like collecting rocks..sorry, MINERALS.



18. Enjoy the little things.




19. No half measures, no unfinished business.



Friday, 7 February 2014

Being Rahul Gandhi, the Superhero.


I don't know much about politics. I don't read the newspaper much, neither do I watch the news. I don't know much about amendments, bills, Left, Right, Cabinet, coalition, or how the Government is going to apprehend the violators of Section 377. Hell, I hardly even know how the elections in our country work.

Come to think of it, neither does Rahul Gandhi. As witnessed by the whole nation, the questions thrown by 'serious journalist' Arnab Goswami towards Rahul had no answers, or the same answers, akin to how most of us engineers(did I just call myself one?) answered or rather tried to answer the questions during our Viva examinations, semester after semester.


But the point here is, maybe he doesn't need politics. Maybe it's us who really need him.

I hadn't even watched the interview until it was talked about left, right and center on social media, my only go-to for any kind of news. And once I was 10 seconds into the interview, I was hooked, relying on the next 85 minutes as sole source of entertainment that evening.

And about ten minutes later, I have no idea why, but contradictory to 90% of the viewers' feelings, I started to sympathize for Rahul Gandhi. I cannot call it admiration, I cannot call it being inspired. But sitting through his set pattern of prepared answers in response to Arnab's constant drilling, I felt sad for the man.

15 minutes later. This man was my fucking hero.


Straight from a comic book


From someone who looked like a helpless onlooker for the first few minutes, became the silent guardian, the watchful observer, the underdog. As I watched Rahul pretending to struggle for answers, my mind immediately shifted to another dimension, drawing parallels between him and the countless comic book heroes we've all grown up with, and whose movies we not watch in over-rated 3D.



Think about it. The story of the Gandhi family plays out like a dark and gritty comic book. A lineage consisting of some of the most prolific icons of the nation, the Gandhis have seen it all. Independence, transition to democracy, election victories, supreme power, assassinations, scandals, scams and columns upon columns that contribute to tabloids, to this very day. The story of the Gandhis has even spawned at least half a dozen Bollywood movies, owing to its highly relevant context.

His grandmother, one of the most powerful women in India's history, was brutally assassinated by her own bodyguards, following which his father was forced to be the heir to the throne, that very same day. A few years later, he was assassinated too after a peace mission gone horribly wrong.

The mythology of Superman


When I think of how Rahul came to be Rahul Gandhi, I am immediately reminded of this particular quote in Kill Bill Vol.2, where Bill(David Carradine) explains to Beatrix Kiddo(Uma Thurman) about the mythology behind Superman.

He talks about the superhero mythology, about how there's the superhero, and then his alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, and he puts on the bat costume to become Batman. Spiderman is actually Peter Parker, but puts on the Spidey suit to become Spiderman.



But Superman, was born Superman. He did not ask to be Superman, but was born that way and brought into this world. The Superman outfit that he wears? He was born in it. His alter ego is Clark Kent, and he has to wear the glasses and the business suit to become Clark Kent. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us.


Similarly, Rahul did not choose to be Rahul Gandhi, like he clearly mentions in the interview. He did not choose to be a politician. He did not choose to attain a position of power. Everyone on social media can keep beating him up about his 'women empowerment, youngsters coming in, changing the fundamentals' kind of answers, but everyone conveniently chose to ignore the stark naked truths he confessed about him not being a politician.

The silent observer, the watchful protector

We all talk about bringing about change, but none of us have a clue how. All we talk about is politicians involved in scandals, about them being totally corrupt and how this nation is never going to change. Do you really think Rahul Gandhi is unaware of what goes around him? He knows the answer to every single question Arnab asked him. Every scandal, every riot, every single grey area in the political nexus. He has every single answer, but owing to his position, there are some things he cannot answer. And that's exactly when he talks about the RTI, because he wants the people to find out the answers for themselves. He may not be able to personally answer those questions, but atleast he knows the power of his position and trying to concentrate on the fundamentals and the real issues. The only reason he answered every question the same way wasn't because he didn't have the answers. He was only dodging them, and that's the best someone in his position can do.

Like Rahul, aren't we all part of the same compost heap who get pushed into a life we don't ask for? I, for a fact empathize with Rahul because I never asked to be an engineer. I got pushed into it, and I went through that for 4 long years. I never completely adapted to it, contrary to what others thought. And eventually, I found a loophole, got through it and found something I really wanted to do.

Rahul Gandhi may not be a politician, and was never meant to be. He is not going to win this year's Elections. But like Arnab said, he has his heart in the right place. He knows exactly what's wrong with the country, and some day or the other, he will find a way.

Some day, he will lead the change.




"You will give the people of Earth an ideal to strive towards. They will race behind you, they will stumble, they will fall. But in time, they will join you in the sun, Kal. In time, you will help them accomplish wonders."
- Jor-El(Russell Crowe), from Man of Steel 

Sunday, 12 January 2014

20 Facts that prove Salman Khan is indeed a virgin.

So Salman Khan confessed on one of the gayest and my most favourite shows 'Koffee With Karan' a fortnight ago that he is indeed, still a virgin. What might come as a shock and a blatant lie to many, strikes me as an honest, straight-from-the-heart confession on the contrary. Why is it so hard for you people to believe he's a virgin? He's probably the biggest virgin among the all of us, and I'm proud of him. 






Still don't believe me? Read on, you judgemental pricks.

1. Having Govinda as your wingman means the end of your sex life...before it even begins.
The cool dupatta swinging doesn't help either!



2. His pants ALWAYS stay up, even while dancing on their own.
Talk about getting caught with your pants down...NEVER!



3. He pursues a woman with true conviction and is always very subtle and discreet about it.
Smooth, baby. Smooth.



4. Most women can't stand the sight of his innocent, pink lipstick-smothered face.
SHY IS COMING! SHY IS COMING!



5. Reacts awkwardly when a girl even looks at him.


6. Seriously, look at that awkwardness!


7. Aaaaaaaaannnnnd.....JIZZ IN MY PANTS.


8. Always checks out his soulmate from a distance and shyly walks away.
Not before signalling her to come watch the moon.


9. Immediately friendzones any woman who smiles at him.
Wanna make fraaandships? It's not a choice, bitch.


10. Is unaware of the concept of foreplay.
"What the fuck am i supposed to do NOW?"





11. Enjoys ridiculous hobbies during his free time, like entertaining Anil Kapoor on his shoulders.
Um...yeah.



12. Also enjoys dancing shirtless with sexually confused boys, and singing into a gaming headset.




13. Makes sure he is surrounded by at least 547 people while dancing to a duet with his lady love.



14. Enjoys simple things like watching the moon with his girlfriend, like for 4.5 hours.




15. Finds unimaginable happiness in smacking a mandolin(?) instead of a woman's buttocks.
The next best thing to watching the moon.





16. And...umm...YEAH.





17. Thinks booty shaking is a way to get the ladies.
You're doing it wrong, Salman.


18. Chooses to stick to cycling with his lady love in a deserted, romantic, beautiful forest.
You know, he never loses an opportunity!





19. Still believes in 'katti-batti'.
Sure to drive all the girls crazy. The little girls. The REALLY little girls.



20. His fingering skills are below average to say the least.
Still doing it wrong, Salman!




STILL DON'T BELIEVE HE'S A VIRGIN?




Monday, 2 December 2013

16 life lessons I've learnt from Ram-Leela

1. It is OK to shoot a child if he urinates inside your compound.
Because, you know, fuck Child Welfare. He's a member of the other caste, so it's pretty obvious that you can shoot him down.



2. We should respect our women.
Shooting children is a different story. Ram and his whole clan respect women. They respect women so much that Ram even runs a pornographic theater and DVD library dedicated to the spirit of women. He is also quite the gentleman with his expressions. And his friends enjoy the occasional rape after downing half a bottle of beer. So much respect.




3. Anything less than 3 inches of cleavage is uncool.
In a land where women hold such a high amount of respect, it is obvious that outfits revealing less than 3 inches of cleavage are soooooooooooooo 2008, bro. Yes there is a high possibility of you getting raped, but it's the same if you're gonna wear a burkha. So go ahead, look like a dirty skank! Yay feminism!



4. French kissing is a great way to break the ice with the stranger.
Don't worry if you're nervous to speak to the girl of your dreams. Just go and make out with her the moment you lay eyes on her. Or just look at her creepily enough for her to come make out with you. Works all the time, especially during Holi season.
Oh and it doesn't matter if she's from the rival clan and you make out with her in front of hundreds of people of her clan. Or that she's the daughter of the clan's Head. They will definitely look away when you guys make out and will spot you only after you're done with that along with a bit of dancing. Completely cool.



5. Dancing half-naked with dozens of women makes you an eligible husband.
Do you own a pornographic theatre? Have you had sex with every woman in the village? Do you boast about it to your family? Well, that's awesome! OFCOURSE every girl wants to marry you, especially the hottest woman who also happens to be the daughter of the rival clan. Pliss to post on shaadi.com, your profile will receive maximum hits. Along with the photo of you shirtless with oil smothered all over you and tons of women wanting your dong.



6. Fuck dancing lessons. If you've got dandruff, your name is Michael Fucking Jackson.
Because, Tattad Tattad. Fuck yeah!



7. Doing pelvic thrusts with a bunch of random guys and touching yourself in public is not gay AT ALL.
It's called swag juice.

 


8. Poetic vulgar SMSes always make a woman wet.
Worsworth who? Keats what? If you want to make a woman want your schlong, nothing does it better than sending her dozens of vulgar SMSes. Oh yes, if the sentences rhyme like a Bhojpuri song, it's almost 100% certain that you're gonna get laid.



9. Dancing = Foreplay. So, LOTS and LOTS of dancing, please.
So you're meeting the babe of your dreams and sneak her into your shop to make the sweet sex with her. What do you do? Dance. Dance like there's no tomorrow, because second base/third base doesn't do it anymore. Dance like a motherfucking monkey on coke. And in the end don't have sex. Just roll around on the floor for exactly 33 times and then go home.



10. It's completely OK to touch a woman's breasts the second time you meet her.
I'm telling you, this is 2013. Just go for the titties.



11. It is not OK to sleep in the same bed without getting married.
It is okay to make out with a stranger without EVER talking to him. It's fine if he's had sex with every woman in the village(which each woman has a detailed report about). Dancing like a motherfucker with the occasional boob touch is still cool. It's awesome if you guys elope after all this. But please, fellas. This is India and we should respect our culture. IT IS NOT OKAY TO SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM WITHOUT GETTING MARRIED. NOT COOL.







12. Exhibitionism is awesome
Now that you're married, you can have sweet baby-making in a lodge with a window with no curtains or blinds, through which the whole town can watch you do it doggy-style. So what if both your clans are hunting for both of you with loaded rifles. Public sex is a turn-on and it's the most important thing. Even if it means losing your lives. Or your heads. Or both, actually.



13. Villagers use Twitter all the time.
Yes there's no electricity most of the time, but every villager in this country has Twitter. Hell, he's probably tweeting 'No electricity for past 7 hours. Shit, yaar' as we speak.



14. Your opponents' guns will never work if you are within 10 metres of shooting distance.
Countless Bollywood movies have taught me this, but Ram Leela has confirmed it. Thanks, Bhansali!



15. If your daughter has a wedding ring on her finger, cut the finger off.
Um....yeah.



16. You need a sanctioned order for Genocide.
Who cares if you can shoot anyone you want including children, and are free to rape any woman who you fancy, or that you never gave a fuck about the police before. If you want to wipe out an entire clan, you HAVE TO stick to the rules, and get an order of approval from your clan Head and only then can you proceed for genocide. Makes sense, na?