16 life lessons I've learnt from Ram-Leela

1. It is OK to shoot a child if he urinates inside your compound.
Because, you know, fuck Child Welfare. He's a member of the other caste, so it's pretty obvious that you can shoot him down.

2. We should respect our women.
Shooting children is a different story. Ram and his whole clan respect women. They respect women so much that Ram even runs a pornographic theater and DVD library dedicated to the spirit of women. He is also quite the gentleman with his expressions. And his friends enjoy the occasional rape after downing half a bottle of beer. So much respect.

3. Anything less than 3 inches of cleavage is uncool.
In a land where women hold such a high amount of respect, it is obvious that outfits revealing less than 3 inches of cleavage are soooooooooooooo 2008, bro. Yes there is a high possibility of you getting raped, but it's the same if you're gonna wear a burkha. So go ahead, look like a dirty skank! Yay feminism!

4. French kissing is a great way to break the ice with the stranger.
Don't worry if you're nervous to speak to the girl of your dreams. Just go and make out with her the moment you lay eyes on her. Or just look at her creepily enough for her to come make out with you. Works all the time, especially during Holi season.
Oh and it doesn't matter if she's from the rival clan and you make out with her in front of hundreds of people of her clan. Or that she's the daughter of the clan's Head. They will definitely look away when you guys make out and will spot you only after you're done with that along with a bit of dancing. Completely cool.

5. Dancing half-naked with dozens of women makes you an eligible husband.
Do you own a pornographic theatre? Have you had sex with every woman in the village? Do you boast about it to your family? Well, that's awesome! OFCOURSE every girl wants to marry you, especially the hottest woman who also happens to be the daughter of the rival clan. Pliss to post on shaadi.com, your profile will receive maximum hits. Along with the photo of you shirtless with oil smothered all over you and tons of women wanting your dong.

6. Fuck dancing lessons. If you've got dandruff, your name is Michael Fucking Jackson.
Because, Tattad Tattad. Fuck yeah!

7. Doing pelvic thrusts with a bunch of random guys and touching yourself in public is not gay AT ALL.
It's called swag juice.

 

8. Poetic vulgar SMSes always make a woman wet.
Worsworth who? Keats what? If you want to make a woman want your schlong, nothing does it better than sending her dozens of vulgar SMSes. Oh yes, if the sentences rhyme like a Bhojpuri song, it's almost 100% certain that you're gonna get laid.

9. Dancing = Foreplay. So, LOTS and LOTS of dancing, please.
So you're meeting the babe of your dreams and sneak her into your shop to make the sweet sex with her. What do you do? Dance. Dance like there's no tomorrow, because second base/third base doesn't do it anymore. Dance like a motherfucking monkey on coke. And in the end don't have sex. Just roll around on the floor for exactly 33 times and then go home.

10. It's completely OK to touch a woman's breasts the second time you meet her.
I'm telling you, this is 2013. Just go for the titties.

11. It is not OK to sleep in the same bed without getting married.
It is okay to make out with a stranger without EVER talking to him. It's fine if he's had sex with every woman in the village(which each woman has a detailed report about). Dancing like a motherfucker with the occasional boob touch is still cool. It's awesome if you guys elope after all this. But please, fellas. This is India and we should respect our culture. IT IS NOT OKAY TO SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM WITHOUT GETTING MARRIED. NOT COOL.

12. Exhibitionism is awesome
Now that you're married, you can have sweet baby-making in a lodge with a window with no curtains or blinds, through which the whole town can watch you do it doggy-style. So what if both your clans are hunting for both of you with loaded rifles. Public sex is a turn-on and it's the most important thing. Even if it means losing your lives. Or your heads. Or both, actually.

13. Villagers use Twitter all the time.
Yes there's no electricity most of the time, but every villager in this country has Twitter. Hell, he's probably tweeting 'No electricity for past 7 hours. Shit, yaar' as we speak.

14. Your opponents' guns will never work if you are within 10 metres of shooting distance.
Countless Bollywood movies have taught me this, but Ram Leela has confirmed it. Thanks, Bhansali!

15. If your daughter has a wedding ring on her finger, cut the finger off.
Um....yeah.

16. You need a sanctioned order for Genocide.
Who cares if you can shoot anyone you want including children, and are free to rape any woman who you fancy, or that you never gave a fuck about the police before. If you want to wipe out an entire clan, you HAVE TO stick to the rules, and get an order of approval from your clan Head and only then can you proceed for genocide. Makes sense, na?

Chennai rains and Chennai girls : Confessions of a Chennai Pluviophile

On this gloomy Sunday Chennai morning, I can't help but contemplate about the past, the present and future prospects as I walk my dogs down my street. I do this on a daily basis, and many a time in the rain, but no morning has been so moody and thought-provoking as this.

In the past couple of months I've seen my life turn around in front of my eyes, totally aware and awake, yet totally unaware and dazed. Going through a rough phase following a breakup, drowned in self-pity and hopelessness, I never thought I could be the same person again. Though I don't really blame anyone for it, what remained behind was a total disregard for humanity and a a complete shock in context to the erratic nature of us human beings. It was shocking to see how quickly how most of us change in such a short span of time. It was shocking how quickly our whole outlook and perception towards certain things change. Our belief systems, our principles, our desires, our ambitions, our dreams, our whole persona can change in an instant. Change may be good, but at what cost?


And then I discovered what change really is, when I met a woman I used to know as a friendly acquaintance about a couple of months ago. Conversations led to repulsion led to even more conversations led to a few meetings led to some more repulsion led to more meetings and a whole lot more conversation led to eventual persuasion. What followed has been nothing short of the stuff that goes into novels and novellas. What's even more intriguing is the huge role that the Chennai monsoon has played into scripting the prologue of a hopefully long and never-ending tale.

This woman, the rains and a lot of other factors have culminated into a peculiar emotion of pleasant surrealism, and I often find myself wondering if this is really happening. The familiar streets I used to walk on a regular basis, the familiar places I used to frequent since I was a child, suddenly seem totally new. I found every single Bollywood cliche coming to life, especially in the context of the role rain plays in typical Bollywood movies. This rain, this fucking rain, makes everything so unbelievable, so surreal that you start to question your sanity and also induces a fear of what will happen if I lose what I have right now, if I lose her in the future.

But at the same time it's made my turbulent mind come to terms with life. This woman and this rain together have changed  me in and out, and helped me come to terms with my past. They've taught me to be more understanding, more compassionate and made it easier to let go of the things I tried to hold on to unnecessarily. They've made me feel guilty about blaming myself, blaming the person I used to be with earlier. Why did I blame her so much? It wasn't her fault. She moved on, and I didn't. It's as simple as that. We come across so many people in our lives and every single person has a part to play in our lives, and changes us forever. Maybe for the bad, maybe for the good. But every single thing is an experience, which is obviously good. And so did the person with whom I used to be. She changed me in so many ways, and so will the woman I'm with right now. If I could, I'd hold on to this forever, but life doesn't work that way. The only constant is 'change'. However, is isn't wrong to have a little hope, and try working towards holding on to what/who you love.



As I inhale the final few drags of my morning cigarette, I can't help but think that these Chennai rains and Chennai girls are also weirdly comforting, soothing and constantly remind you to chill the fuck out. They teach you that life, though beautiful, is unpredictable. Sometimes there's a drizzle, sometimes there's a fucking downpour. You might find shelter, or you might get drenched to the bone. It's up to you whether you want to carry an umbrella and protect yourself, or let the chips fall where they may. And of course, there is this other situation where you carry an umbrella, it rains, and you decide to throw that fucking umbrella away and get drenched anyways.

You can't expect it to rain when you want it to, neither can you expect it to stop when you want it to. Just do what you're doing with an honest heart and an open mind, and enjoy the fucking moment. If something is meant to happen, it will.

"That may be all I need

In darkness, she is all I see

Come and rest your bones with me

Driving slow on Sunday morning

And I never want to leave."