16 life lessons I've learnt from Ram-Leela

1. It is OK to shoot a child if he urinates inside your compound.
Because, you know, fuck Child Welfare. He's a member of the other caste, so it's pretty obvious that you can shoot him down.

2. We should respect our women.
Shooting children is a different story. Ram and his whole clan respect women. They respect women so much that Ram even runs a pornographic theater and DVD library dedicated to the spirit of women. He is also quite the gentleman with his expressions. And his friends enjoy the occasional rape after downing half a bottle of beer. So much respect.

3. Anything less than 3 inches of cleavage is uncool.
In a land where women hold such a high amount of respect, it is obvious that outfits revealing less than 3 inches of cleavage are soooooooooooooo 2008, bro. Yes there is a high possibility of you getting raped, but it's the same if you're gonna wear a burkha. So go ahead, look like a dirty skank! Yay feminism!

4. French kissing is a great way to break the ice with the stranger.
Don't worry if you're nervous to speak to the girl of your dreams. Just go and make out with her the moment you lay eyes on her. Or just look at her creepily enough for her to come make out with you. Works all the time, especially during Holi season.
Oh and it doesn't matter if she's from the rival clan and you make out with her in front of hundreds of people of her clan. Or that she's the daughter of the clan's Head. They will definitely look away when you guys make out and will spot you only after you're done with that along with a bit of dancing. Completely cool.

5. Dancing half-naked with dozens of women makes you an eligible husband.
Do you own a pornographic theatre? Have you had sex with every woman in the village? Do you boast about it to your family? Well, that's awesome! OFCOURSE every girl wants to marry you, especially the hottest woman who also happens to be the daughter of the rival clan. Pliss to post on shaadi.com, your profile will receive maximum hits. Along with the photo of you shirtless with oil smothered all over you and tons of women wanting your dong.

6. Fuck dancing lessons. If you've got dandruff, your name is Michael Fucking Jackson.
Because, Tattad Tattad. Fuck yeah!

7. Doing pelvic thrusts with a bunch of random guys and touching yourself in public is not gay AT ALL.
It's called swag juice.

 

8. Poetic vulgar SMSes always make a woman wet.
Worsworth who? Keats what? If you want to make a woman want your schlong, nothing does it better than sending her dozens of vulgar SMSes. Oh yes, if the sentences rhyme like a Bhojpuri song, it's almost 100% certain that you're gonna get laid.

9. Dancing = Foreplay. So, LOTS and LOTS of dancing, please.
So you're meeting the babe of your dreams and sneak her into your shop to make the sweet sex with her. What do you do? Dance. Dance like there's no tomorrow, because second base/third base doesn't do it anymore. Dance like a motherfucking monkey on coke. And in the end don't have sex. Just roll around on the floor for exactly 33 times and then go home.

10. It's completely OK to touch a woman's breasts the second time you meet her.
I'm telling you, this is 2013. Just go for the titties.

11. It is not OK to sleep in the same bed without getting married.
It is okay to make out with a stranger without EVER talking to him. It's fine if he's had sex with every woman in the village(which each woman has a detailed report about). Dancing like a motherfucker with the occasional boob touch is still cool. It's awesome if you guys elope after all this. But please, fellas. This is India and we should respect our culture. IT IS NOT OKAY TO SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM WITHOUT GETTING MARRIED. NOT COOL.

12. Exhibitionism is awesome
Now that you're married, you can have sweet baby-making in a lodge with a window with no curtains or blinds, through which the whole town can watch you do it doggy-style. So what if both your clans are hunting for both of you with loaded rifles. Public sex is a turn-on and it's the most important thing. Even if it means losing your lives. Or your heads. Or both, actually.

13. Villagers use Twitter all the time.
Yes there's no electricity most of the time, but every villager in this country has Twitter. Hell, he's probably tweeting 'No electricity for past 7 hours. Shit, yaar' as we speak.

14. Your opponents' guns will never work if you are within 10 metres of shooting distance.
Countless Bollywood movies have taught me this, but Ram Leela has confirmed it. Thanks, Bhansali!

15. If your daughter has a wedding ring on her finger, cut the finger off.
Um....yeah.

16. You need a sanctioned order for Genocide.
Who cares if you can shoot anyone you want including children, and are free to rape any woman who you fancy, or that you never gave a fuck about the police before. If you want to wipe out an entire clan, you HAVE TO stick to the rules, and get an order of approval from your clan Head and only then can you proceed for genocide. Makes sense, na?

A World without Coca-Cola.

"Do you really want to live in a world without Coca-Cola?"

- Walter White/Heisenberg, Breaking Bad

I worship Breaking Bad, like so many other purists who knew of it before it became as famous as it is now, as well as like the newbies who started watching it because their friends were watching it. There have been several instances where Walter aka Heisenberg has employed the use of his 'colorful metaphors' to describe certain situations in his descent into darkness. 

After the show ended, I started watching random episodes again(it's now playing on Star World) with the homies, the girlfriend, or all by myself. Out of all the episodes, out of all the metaphors and quotes that Heisenberg spurts out sporadically in his trademark bad-ass baritone, the aforementioned quote(as well as the story behind it) is by far, the most insanely brilliant moment in television history. For those who don't know, Heisenberg describes the chemical potency of his product, that is 'crystal meth', to a group of meth manufacturers and distributors. What he says is that what the distributors produce is an impure, low-grade substance, comparing it to a sub-standard fizzy soda. And what he makes, is 'Classic Coke'.

Walt Buys a can of coke with the first ever dollar earned at the Car Wash.

When I watched the episode for the first time, I was just spellbound by the sheer audacity of the scene, and stood up and clapped at how fucking insane that moment was. As I watched that episode over and over again, I started taking something else out of the scene. There are so many things to take out of Breaking Bad, but this wasn't about Breaking Bad itself. Breaking Bad has had a powerful impact on me, but something else had an impact on something so powerful like Breaking Bad. Some entity that is so powerful and influential that a show like Breaking Bad had to feature it not once, but twice through the course of its cumulative airtime.

Like Heisenberg, I asked myself, "Do I really want to live in a world without Coca-Cola?" 

The World's Most Loved Brand

I always used to be a 'Pepsi fanboy', but I can't help but marvel at the sheer brilliance of how Coke has reached the hearts of billions of people all over the world. Until recently, Coke was the 'World's Most Valuable and Recognized Brand' till Apple and Google came along and pushed Coke down the charts. 

Still, the brand is recognized by 94% of the world's population. It is also the most valuable brand product on Facebook, and controls 44% of the global soda market share. Pepsi might come close to Coke in terms of revenue, but can never even imagine compare to the Coke's reach into the global marketplace, and the minds and hearts of consumers. And Coke's been doing this in style, for decades, even centuries.

So why is Coke so popular? For  a company that sells a calorie-heavy product that even contains pesticides, it is unfathomable to see it grow to be the world's most loved brand.  While other cola companies would communicate to the world that their product is completely pesticide-free and contains very few calories, Coke stuck to doing what they do best, and said this:

Sayin' it like it is.

While other brands fight it out over numerous celebrity endorsements, radical advertising strategies, cool-sounding brand stories,  and over-the-top marketing communication, Coke broke it down, got right to the roots and based their entire marketing communication around both the most complicated yet most simple emotion known to mankind: Happiness.

Opening Happiness

As much as I hate the three annoying cast members of that pathetic movie 'Student of the Year', I couldn't help but admire their latest TV ad campaign for Coke that promotes happiness through 'random acts of kindness'. The funda is simple: if you see anyone having a rough day, especially to strangers, hand them a Coke! It implies the notion that if people call you crazy for being kind to strangers, be proud to be crazy.

One of the few ads during my teenage years that actually made me smile.

Coke was smart enough to recognize the effect it was having on its consumers, and took that emotion and made it their brand story. It probably began when it was losing out to Pepsi for a few years, Coke spent years on understanding consumer psychology, and realized that the true secret to success is to not sell a product, but to sell feelings! The packaging for instance, the bottle design, went back to the 'classic coke' style, evoking memories of a simpler, happier time. One thing many people might not know is that Coke made it a point to get their product to the soldiers who were part of World War II. It was like getting a letter from home, but in this case, it was a soda.

Coke took the core element of happiness, made their communication as simple as possible. I'm sure for a fact that if you try to correlate the color red to a product, the first thing you would think of is Coke. Coke understood this very well and used their brand recall and loyalty to their advantage and designed an overall 'glocal marketing strategy' to share the love back to their consumers. I wouldn't want to get into the social and community-based initiatives by Coke, because quite simply, I'm not into that sort of thing when brands use social causes to their advantage.

Coming to my own life and the ones of the people I know, I've observed the following situations:

• Biriyani is incomplete without a dose of Coke. So is Pizza. And french fries. And Tandoori Chicken. And chips. And Kathi rolls. OK, I guess you get the point.
• Coke is a unanimous friend to the otherwise repulsive spirit called Rum.
• Movies aren't the same without Coke.
• Speaking of movies, popcorn isn't the same without Coke.
• You always tend to sub-consciously stock up on Coke during cricket matches. Whether is is consumed during the match, after winning or after losing. It doesn't matter.
• Sunny day = a bottle of coke. Or two.
• Chilling in the College canteen = a few bottles of coke. Or 15.
• Coke Ads  in the early 2000s with Aamir Khan. Class.
• When there is a large social gathering, especially in the case of families and relatives, someone ALWAYS has to say the phrase "Array yaar, koi Coke-shoke leke aao."

But why?

It so happened once that I was waiting for someone outside a restaurant, smoking a cigarette and sipping on a half-liter bottle of Coke to while away time, when a street kid, came begging, asking for money. She didn't notice the bottle of Coke in my hand yet. When she did, she told me, "Actually, don't give me any money. Just let me have the rest of that Coke." I did, and on her face I saw a smile so genuine, it made me wonder about the last time I saw a kid smile like that.

Come to think of it, Coke does equal happiness. People identify with Coke because happiness as a virtue, as an emotion, as a feeling is something we all yearn for in a way.

But on a broader perspective, why would any brand use a common word such as 'happiness' and build their campaigns around it? Would any regular brand go for something so simple, take such a big risk? People might say, 'LOL happiness? you gotta be fucking kidding me!' or 'Open Happiness? That sounds so gay!'

But why did it click?

The greatest and most successful brands have always established a personal connection with their consumers, and kept the communication simple. The most successful have always believed in selling feelings, over selling the product. Martin Luther King did it with 'I have a dream'. Apple did it with 'Think Different'. Nike did it with 'Just Do It'. Coke didn't do anything different. They all kept it simple.

And that, is where Coke hit the jackpot. Coke understood that if they believed in the emotion of something as pure, raw and simple as happiness,  people would believe in their idea and would buy their product, for sure. 

To quote Simon Sinek from 'The Golden Circle' philosophy, 

"People don't buy WHAT you do, they buy WHY you do it."

So seriously. Do you really wanna live in a world without Coke?

My take on 'Raanjhanaa': Dhanush, all the fucking way.

SPOILERS ALERT!

First things first. There are many occasions where I've hooted and screamed and rooted for this average-looking, dark, almost anorexic man. He looks like any face you'll find in a crowd. But there's something about Dhanush that sets him apart from every other actor in this industry. Because when he acts, he's never really acting. What does this man possess, that makes me feel like I'm watching all of my collective emotions, desires, fears, anxieties and feelings being played out on screen?

Dhanush in Aadukalam(2011)

Apart from playing a stunning variety of mostly uncouth characters in films like Thulluvatho Ilamai, Kadhal Kondein, Pudhupettai, Mayakkam Enna, 3 and my personal favourite, Aadukulam, as well as being forced by the industry to be involved in absolutely forgettable commercial potboilers like Sullan, Padikkathavan, Venghai, etc, Dhanush's real claim to worldwide fame was the insanely viral song "Why this Kolaveri Di".

Dhanush in '3'(2012)

Even after dabbling in so many different things, it still made me apprehensive to think about how he was going to make the crossover to Bollywood, an industry filled with fair, good-looking, six-pack donning male actors. And which added to the dilemma was the fact that he was a Tamilian, a breed that is almost negligible in prowess when it comes to speaking Hindi.

And then I watched him in his first frame in Raanjhanaa. All the doubts that existed vanished almost instantaneously.

To be totally honest, there's nothing new about Raanjhanaa's storyline. It's about a boy who is smitten by a girl in his childhood, falls insanely in love with her and how he relentlessly tries throughout his life to make her his own. This premise has been the story of virtually almost every Tamil movie ever made. But where Raanjhanaa succeeds is in making this done-to-death concept so real, so believable and actually likable.

Raanjhanaa revolves around the holy land of Benaras(captured stunningly by Natarajan Subramaniam and Vishal Sinha) and the lives of a boy, a girl, their friends and families in its narrow lanes, temples, ghats and markets. Kundan(Dhanush) is the son of a Tamil Brahmin pandit, who falls in love with Zoya(Sonam Kapoor) when he lays eyes on her for the first time.

A dozen fail pickup lines, a couple of songs and almost 17 slaps later, puppy love begins to brew. And all goes well until Zoya finds out Kundan isn't a Muslim(which he pretended to be) and she discards him instantaneously.

With a slit of a wrist(this happens quite a number of times during the course of the story), Kundan 'convinces' Zoya to fall back in love with him. But this time, Zoya's family finds out, and packs her off to complete her schooling in Aligarh, after which she would go on to attend college at JNU in Delhi. During all these years, Kundan is still in Benaras, going on with his mundane life while still waiting for his Lady Love to come back, which he believes she will, and that they'll live happily ever after together. She does come back, but as luck would have it, she doesn't even remember him.

The rest of the movie is a series of Kundan's ploys to win Zoya and her family over, who have always thought of him nothing more than an errand-boy. Subconsciously, even Kundan realizes that the two of them are a perfect mismatch, but still tries relentlessly just get her to say that she loves him. His antics and his selflessness border on the insane, and he even goes to the lengths of uniting Zoya with her beau(played brilliantly by Abhay Deol). Every time he fails, he tries even harder. At some points in the film, it becomes hard to digest the things that Kundan does for Zoya. Not that it isn't realistic, it's too emotionally draining.

One particular scene that literally had me feeling for the character involves him standing on the street, looking at Zoya in the balcony, and trying to make her remember who he is. Without uttering a single word, Kundan carries out a heart-wrenching charade as a desperate attempt to refresh her memory. This is one scene among many others that truly shows Dhanush's brilliance as an actor. I thought Ranbir's performance in Barfi(the scene involving Ranbir and Ileana in the rain with him expressing his lament over his poor financial state and societal status) was brilliant, but this scene literally gave me goosebumps.

Ranbir Kapoor in Barfi(2012)

It is so moving, that one can't help but remember a similar heart-wrenching scene from Moondram Pirai(or Sadma), the 1982 tear-jerker starring Kamal Hassan and Sridevi. This is just one among many beautifully subtle references I stumbled upon during the course of the movie.

A similar heart-wrenching scene in Moondram Pirai(1982)

Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi(2005)

It is only the second half where the film veers away from its original plot and gets muddled in the big bad world of politics. Honestly, it seemed like an afterthought in the script when they decided to add politics as a backdrop of the epic romance. Raanjhanaa somewhat fails in this aspect, one in which Sudhir Mishra's masterpiece, Haazaron Khwaishein Aisi(2005) so wonderfully succeeded in weaving a beautiful tale of love, loss, aspirations, desires and political insurgency. However, a lot of what happens during Raanjhanaa reminds me of HKA(one of my favourite Indian films ever made). I'm very very sure Anand L.Rai used HKA as a reference while making Raanjhanaa as well.

There are a couple of scenes in the second half which were very very strong. One of the scenes which I don't want want to mention right now as it would reveal the plot. Another scene is when Kundan is sitting on the ghats and meets an educated, wise Sadhu with a DSLR. It's a weirdly discomforting scene, but absolutely beautiful to say the least. My most favourite scene in the second half however is the one where Kundan speaks in Tamil to a police officer. The first word he uttered in Tamil, all of the Tamilians across the theater erupted with joy among shrill, deafening cheers. An emotional triumph!

It all culminates into a gripping, very highly emotional climax that is sure to leave you in tears, or definitely moved. The end is a bittersweet redemption to the meandering second half.

What helps the film in achieving this connect, among many other things is Rahman's magic. Ofcourse he doesn't churn out perfect albums at the moment, but songs like the title track and Tum Tak go very well with the mood of the movie, and are shot beautifully.

Swara Bhaskar as Bindiya

Regarding the performances, every single actor irrespective of the size of the role, makes the best out of his/her screen time, especially the wonderfully talented Swara Bhaskar as Bindiya and the extremely likable  Mohammed Zeeshan Ayub as Murari. Abhay Deol who plays a college student doesn't look like one, but is absolutely effortless in this role. He plays the role with a certain air of cool confidence that is very difficult to come across these days.

But the real surprise for me in Raanjhanaa is Sonam Kapoor. I generally have a very strong aversion to Sonam Kapoor and never liked her in anything except her short, confused role in Delhi 6. But here, she looks like a woman any normal guy would fall head over heels in love with, and backs that up with a more than adequate performance. For the first time ever, I felt Sonam gave everything she had into giving a wonderfully layered natural performance. Not to mention her crackling chemistry with the contrastingly-skinned Dhanush, which makes your heart actually go out to the characters. What a charm.

Ofcourse, I've said enough and more about the lanky embodiment of supreme brilliance, Dhanush K Raja. He is the mind, body, heart, soul, limbs, joints, and basically every force behind the magic of this movie. Though his Hindi is a little incoherent, he still quotes Ghalib with extreme confidence. He also dances on the streets of Benaras with uninhibited irreverence to the onlookers, the exact same way he does in 'Ottha Sollala', the amazingly charming song from Aadukalam(2011). I can definitely say that Anand Rai signed Dhanush for Raanjhanaa the moment he watched this song, and also decided to recreate the exact same scene with the exact same camera angle and the exact same situation!

Dhanush in 'Otha Sollala' from Aadukalam(2013)

I can't begin to imagine the effort he put into playing this highly complex character. He has played this character so bloody brilliantly that it creates a mystery beyond the scope of the character, and you actually begin to wonder and anticipate what he's going to do next. He is the one who transforms this simple storyline into something larger-than-life. You laugh with him, laugh at him, smile at his antics, frown at his misfortunes and empathise with his plight. I can't wait to see what he does in Bharatbala's latest film 'Mariyaan', a true story of survival about kidnapped Indian labourers in Sudan.

Mariyaan(2013) - releasing this July

I don't remember the last time when I felt compelled to actually write about an actor and his movie, and considering the theme of this movie, I've really never done this before. But Raanjhanaa, irrespective of however simple and sappy it is, works for me on so many levels. And to see Dhanush carrying this almost single-handedly on his shoulders is just so wonderfully satisfying.

I could write much more but I think I've more than overstayed my welcome. But watch Raanjhanaa. Watch it for its simplicity, for its quirky charm, its mesmerizing locations, for its grey characters, for the sheer audacity, power and passion of love.

And above all, watch it for Dhanush. You will not be disappointed.