A Homosexual's sincere apology

Disclaimer: Please note that the following is a letter written by a heterosexual individual, re-imagining himself in the shoes of a homosexual one. I repeat, the author is not homosexual. Even if he was, it's not like he gives a fuck about what you think.

Special thanks to Greeshma Rai. Hopefully this does some justice to what you believe in.

Dear fellow homophobes and heterosexual countrymen,

I write to you with deep regret and shame, on the account of being a homosexual individual. After all, that's what you want me to feel for being the person I am, right?

I was silent during all those years of being targeted, all those years of stereotypical insults and being ridiculed just for growing up in the same society as you. The same society that upholds the caste system, turns a blind eye to honor killings, kills the girl child at birth, and blames its women for being too 'astray' when they are raped. The same society which gave birth to the Kama Sutra, enjoys watching Sheila and Munni dance ever so conservatively on screen, watches porn movies in the Parliament, but considers sex as taboo. Yes, I should be ashamed of being myself in this glorious society. But for different reasons altogether.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I am this way; I really wish I did. I'm sure you have a very logical explanation of how you are straight and 'normal', but I'm sorry that I don't. I can assure you that I did not 'choose' to be this way. For the sake of my relatives, acquaintances, the Government and especially YOU, I wish I could become 'normal'. Unfortunately, I am not exposed to such advanced technology which could help me switch my sexual orientation. I've tried all the electronic stores, research centers and even Flipkart. But no luck.

I was born just like most of you, out of a mother's womb as a result of sexual intercourse between two completely heterosexual individuals. It just so happens that I turned out to be homosexual. If I ever have children, it isn't completely necessary that they will be homosexual too. Yes I really wish they are born 'normal' and 'cultured' like all of you, but I wouldn't be angry with them or hurt them if they happen to be homosexual like me.

Now, I understand you've watched Dostana, which is a profoundly accurate depiction of homosexuality and corresponding behaviour. However, there are quite a few ways in which I am different. First of all, I do wear colors other than pink, though I admit that I have quite a flair for fashion and know how not to dress like a homeless person. Secondly, I don't really like flowers. Yes it might appear so because I'm obviously delicate and fragile and therefore must like flowers. Sorry to disappoint you once again.

Thirdly, it's true that I like men. But it doesn't mean I jump on the first man I see on the road and start humping him. I believe in this little thing called 'mutual consent', which I'm not sure you're aware of. I agree, you're one step ahead of us, with all the groping and eve-teasing and raping. We might be lagging behind you in this department, and I don't think we'll ever be able to catch up to you.

Also, I do not hate women. On the other hand, I love and respect women a lot. I might not be able to always beat their offenders to pulp, but I know I will always stand up for them. With all that's happening in the country, they might not be as safe with me as they are with you, because you all really know how to make a woman feel safe on the streets, in the night, in the buses, in the trains, in the schools, colleges and every other public place.

Many of you might believe that I'm against God and that the 'western culture' has influenced our choices and thought process, and is the reason of our homosexuality. I try not to make it obvious or evident, but I go to the same churches, the same mosques and the same temples as you do. And unfortunately, I don't have the power to spread my religion like you do and get more followers under my wing. We haven't come up with an effective conversion strategy as of today.

A lot of my countrymen work in call-centres and BPOs, often pretending to be Americans with a completely genuine-sounding American accent. Some of them go club-hopping every night without knowing what music really is, some of them want to splurge in Las Vegas without knowing the state in which it is in, some of them swear by vegetarian hot dog and hamburgers, and some of them use no other phone other than an iPhone as it takes 'awesome pictures'. Indeed, all of these and so many other instances are not at all influences of Western culture. Me and people of my kind are the ones extremely influenced by it and we try everyday to rid ourselves of this transformation. We rinse ourselves everyday with Gangajal and chant hymns and prayers to cleanse our impure souls and I believe we're making progress.

All I ever asked for was to be myself in my own country, to be able to love and be loved and to uphold my identity. How would you feel if you wake up one day, and suddenly it's a crime to be a heterosexual individual? What if someone tells you that it's a crime to love a person of the opposite sex, that you could go to prison for having sex with someone you love? You have been brought up and been living a certain way all your life, and suddenly it's all a lie. Suddenly, you no longer know who you are and you begin doubting your own identity. People like me have already been living in the fear of coming out, the fear of not being accepted by all of you. And a couple of months ago, it has suddenly become a crime to be ourselves. Our beloved Supreme Court which has always been spot-on with regard to delivering judgements on time, stayed true to the current year of 1860 and reinstated the glorious Section 377 rule. While some of the political parties among you have expressed an opposition to this judgement, it is surprising that the most probable candidates for Prime Minister-ship have adopted pure golden silence. The ones who hitherto grab every controversy by its head and publicly declare their opinion, now suddenly have nothing at all to say. A lot of you even want the leader of this party to be the next PM, and according to his promises and his stature, he is expected to come in support of minority groups, especially ones like mine. This says a lot about our next PM, and all of you who believe in him. It says a lot about our democratic nation, where everyone has the freedom to do, say or express anything. Agreed, I am asking for too much when I want to be physically intimate with a man, which would result in the horrendous act of anal sex. While many of you occasionally enjoy raping your children, stick metal rods down a woman's vagina which results in her death, put your penises inside a baby, it is indeed unfair of me to express my love to another man. After all, it's all about sex, isn't it? I sincerely apologize and vow to never indulge in such acts, even within the privacy of my bedroom and the beautiful hotels and well-lit lodges of our democracy where no one can see me. I know you're watching me and would never take the risk. As mentioned earlier, I'm sorry because I spoke about sex even after knowing it's such a taboo in our democracy.

My fellow countrymen, please understand that it has been a very long struggle for me and people like me to come out of the closet, to our family and friends. As much as try to avoid it, there are some things which we can't keep within us for too long in the fear of us exploding/imploding. Not just the people we know, but even some of the political parties have tried to help us and warn us about our disease and have prayed for us to be cleansed. Yes, there are many ways to try and eradicate our disease but they have hence proven unsatisfactory, or resulted in people like me committing suicide. We are tired of asking to be accepted. We are tired, but again we are just getting started. All we ask for is our basic right to survive and co-exist, if not be accepted immediately. As weak as you consider us to be, it wouldn't take us a long time to form a rebellion and force you into giving us our basic right to live. It wouldn't take too long to procure weapons from your arms sources or wield swords and hunt for your blood. It wouldn't take long to throw down a Government or wreak havoc and riots on the streets and destroying public property as well as innocent lives. It wouldn't take too long to step inside a heterosexual and 'normal' zone and beat the fucking shit out of every one present there.

But then again, we are not like you. There would be no difference between you and I. I know, we can never be equals, anyways. And in this context, I will never aspire to be the same as you.

Jai Hind.