God Hates Us All: 15 life lessons I learnt from Hank Moody

“Good morning, Hell-A. In the land of the lotus-eaters, time plays tricks on you. One day you’re dreaming, the next, your dream has become your reality. It was the best of times. If only someone had told me. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned. My family goes on without me, while I drown in a sea of pointless pussy. I don’t know how I got here. But here I am, rotting away in the warm California sun. There are things I need to figure out, for her sake, at least. The clock is ticking. The gap is widening. She won’t always love me 'no matter what' ."

He's everything you would hate in a man. He's also everything you would love in a man. He's the embodiment of everything bad-ass, but also a cupcake deep down. With a screen presence so magnetic, so charming, so electrifying, it sometimes make me doubt my sexuality. For his forever-calm demeanour, his colourful metaphors, his Casanova personality, his dry sense of humour and for many more reasons which makes him the cool son of a bitch he is, Hank Moody is one of my favourite screen characters of all time.

Under all the sex, nudity, drugs, rock and roll, violence, romance, heartbreak and a story arc that hardly ever changes, Californication is about how to live life, and how not to as well. And there's no better entity to teach you life lessons than Hank-fucking-Moody.

15 Life Lessons I learnt from Hank Moody

1. Be a child at heart

Under that suave exterior and the seasoned wisdom,  Hank Moody is a child at heart. He fucks like a rockstar but those sudden childish mannerisms, the impersonations, the way he says 'MADAFACKAAA' and those innocent puppy dog eyes, all suggest that deep down, he is a child. A child craving to be understood, a child craving to be loved.

So, be innocent. Be naive. Be playful. Be irritating. Be energetic. Be hungry. Be foolish. Be a child. Be downright fucking honest. Be a child.

2. Stay old-school.

You don't need high-street fashion to look irresistible. You don't need that iPad 3 of iPhone 6. You don't need to listen to what all the 'cool' kids are listening to these days. You don't need an app to write that book or your random thoughts. You don't need online sticky notes.

Hank reaffirmed my faith in classic rock music. To wear my old jeans and the black shirts that I love. To write on paper and the countless notebooks I buy every week. 

To stay old-school, and be proud of it. 

3. Be calm. Stay calm.

For such an explosive personality, if you take a closer look, Hank is calm like a bomb. Only when provoked to a point beyond reason does he ever react. I don't understand why people have to lose their shit all the time; I remember an incident where a random son of a bitch on the road wanted to beat me up, 'cause he thought I was staring at him. DAFUQ?

Temper is like your dick. You might have one, it might be big or small, but there's no reason to whip it out and wave it around. It's just nasty.

4. Sarcasm is the best defence. And offence.

This is one of the characteristics I can't get enough out of Hank Moody. Whenever you're faced with an argument, irrespective of how healthy it is, sarcasm is the best form of defence or offence. The ones who get it will either commend you or hate you for being so smart, and the ones who don't get it, well, they don't deserve to be involved in a conversation with a cool motherfucker such as yourself.

5. Whiskey doesn't give you the answers, but helps you forget the questions.

Now I'm not promoting alcoholism here. But like in Hank's case, whiskey always calms me down and helps me think straight. Yes, we all get a little emotional when we're under the influence, but other than that, whiskey has been known to relieve you of all your stress after a long day, when you unwind over a drink with your friends. That doesn't mean you should pick up the bottle and drown yourself in it 24/7. Have a drink or two once a week. And one more thing: NEVER DRINK ALONE.

6. Stand up for yourself.

Like I said before, be calm until provoked to act otherwise. This doesn't mean you pounce on someone because he called you a 'fuck-wad', but stand your ground. You have a an identity for a reason, a voice for a reason. Don't let anyone tell you you're lesser than what you are. Don't let anyone walk over you. If people try treating you like shit, give it right back to them, served cold on a fucking salad platter.

7. Sex is about quality, not quantity.

Out of the several different women on the show that Hank has done the dirty deed with, he still would run right back to Karen and make love to only her for the rest of their lives if given the chance. You're not getting anywhere if you have sex with a lot of women. It doesn't make you a rockstar, it doesn't make you happy in the long run. It doesn't mean shit. And if you're the ones who do it and brag about it to your friends and acquaintances, you don't deserve sex in the first place. I'm not saying sex should only be marital, that's just silly. Sex is simply the most intimate and highest expression of love, and it should be shared with only someone you're in love with. That's why it's called 'making love'.

So if you're single and haven't seen any action in months, don't jump on the first piece of meat you come across. Wait for it. A night of loneliness is always better than a morning of awkwardness.

8. Fall hopelessly in love.

Akin to the previous point, before sex, comes love. Anyone who's watched the show can see how much Hank cares about Karen and how he'd leave everything and run to her if she said the word. He even looks at her in a way different from the way he looks at any other woman. She's his 'baby momma', and the love of his life. Don't be afraid to fall in love. It might come early, it might come later. But when it does, let it engulf you, let it take you by storm, let it give meaning to your otherwise useless existence. When you do find it, never let it go. Find that someone who's as comfortable talking about your bowel movements as she is talking about her favourite movie. Not everyone finds such a best friend in a lover. So if you do, consider yourself lucky and make it worth it for you, as well as for her.

9. Keep your friends close. Period.

Whether it's a bad breakup, a finale of your favourite TV series, a bout of self-doubt, confusion or depression, or just getting drunk and fucked up, your friends are the ones who're gonna get you through the best of times, as well as the worst. Hank meets a lot of people on a daily basis, but his circle of friends doesn't go beyond Charlie, Marcy and sometimes Lew Ashby. You don't need a lot of friends. Choose the ones who've been with you both the darkest and the happiest times of your life, not the ones you make at a party and comment on their photos on Facebook once in a while. And if you happen to become big or famous, don't forget the ones who knew you when you were nothing.

10. Love your women. Respect them more.

As a fellow avid lover of women, I empathise with Hank when he's called a womaniser all the time. Yes he's had sex with a lot of women from afar it looks like he treats them as sex objects. But what no one sees is that he never treats his women badly or with a lack of respect. He's a badass, but he's always been a gentleman. He could've destroyed Mia's life for what she did to him, but he chose not to. Because we are nothing without our women. They're the reason we took birth, they're the reason we exist. Think a hundred times before blatantly judging them and putting them down or hurting them. Chauvinism doesn't get you sex, does it?

11. Never forget your roots.

Hank might have moved to LA to make a living, but his heart is always back in New York. Be it his friends, his style of writing, his love, his taste in music or the people he hangs out with, Hank never forgets where he came from, and the person he used to be before he became a successful writer. Neither should you. We all tend to change into different people as life moves along, and I'm not saying change is bad. But never change the person you really are on the inside, unless it's for the good. Staying grounded and sticking to the roots will make you a better person than you could ever be. 

12. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Fuck being diplomatic, fuck trying to please people, fuck sugar-coated responses. Speak your heart, speak your mind and be fucking honest. The title is pretty self-explanatory.




13. Family is more important than you think.

The scene on the left ranks right at the top among my favourite TV moments. The sheer beauty of the scene with Hank and Becca's silhouettes makes you forget that you're just watching a fucking TV show. Hank loves his daughter and her mother more than anything in the world, and it reminds me of how important my family is to me.
We might hate them, love them, can't live with them and can't live without them. But while everything else in your life changes, they're the only people who are always the same.


14. Never lose hope.

Though his life maybe over troubled waters for most of the time, Hank never loses focus of the bigger picture. Every day is another battle as he tries to re-unite with the love of his life and his daughter, and be inspired to do what he was born to do: write. So no matter how low you are in the abscesses of self-destruction, never lose that sliver of hope. That little sliver is what gets us through our darkest times and do things of greatness and grandeur.

15. God Hates Us All

Hank couldn't have chosen a better name for his best-selling work of literature, which would also be suitable for a movie about my life, if there would ever be one. I'm not a very staunch believer in God, and the only Gods I know are Rajinikanth and Morgan Freeman. But if there was a God, I'm sure he hates us all. Why else would he put us through so many tests, illusions of pleasure, bouts of depressions, hardships, pain, suffering and sorrow? Why does he give us temporary happiness and then decide to destroy every single shard of it?
That's because, that's how it's supposed to be. As simple as that. We wouldn't appreciate happiness if we never undergo sorrow. We wouldn't appreciate pleasure if we've never felt pain. We wouldn't appreciate success if we don't go through a hundred failures. We'd never experience the beauty of love unless we keep trying hard to earn it.
Look deep inside, and you'll understand that we are architects of our own lives. Yes, fate has a big part to play, but most of what happens to us is just consequences of our actions. They key is to make peace with the fact that God hates us all, and do what you do without hurting anyone, or yourself for that matter. Live, let live, love, be loved, smile, and be smiled at.

That's pretty much all you can do anyways.