16 life lessons I've learnt from Ram-Leela

1. It is OK to shoot a child if he urinates inside your compound.
Because, you know, fuck Child Welfare. He's a member of the other caste, so it's pretty obvious that you can shoot him down.

2. We should respect our women.
Shooting children is a different story. Ram and his whole clan respect women. They respect women so much that Ram even runs a pornographic theater and DVD library dedicated to the spirit of women. He is also quite the gentleman with his expressions. And his friends enjoy the occasional rape after downing half a bottle of beer. So much respect.

3. Anything less than 3 inches of cleavage is uncool.
In a land where women hold such a high amount of respect, it is obvious that outfits revealing less than 3 inches of cleavage are soooooooooooooo 2008, bro. Yes there is a high possibility of you getting raped, but it's the same if you're gonna wear a burkha. So go ahead, look like a dirty skank! Yay feminism!

4. French kissing is a great way to break the ice with the stranger.
Don't worry if you're nervous to speak to the girl of your dreams. Just go and make out with her the moment you lay eyes on her. Or just look at her creepily enough for her to come make out with you. Works all the time, especially during Holi season.
Oh and it doesn't matter if she's from the rival clan and you make out with her in front of hundreds of people of her clan. Or that she's the daughter of the clan's Head. They will definitely look away when you guys make out and will spot you only after you're done with that along with a bit of dancing. Completely cool.

5. Dancing half-naked with dozens of women makes you an eligible husband.
Do you own a pornographic theatre? Have you had sex with every woman in the village? Do you boast about it to your family? Well, that's awesome! OFCOURSE every girl wants to marry you, especially the hottest woman who also happens to be the daughter of the rival clan. Pliss to post on shaadi.com, your profile will receive maximum hits. Along with the photo of you shirtless with oil smothered all over you and tons of women wanting your dong.

6. Fuck dancing lessons. If you've got dandruff, your name is Michael Fucking Jackson.
Because, Tattad Tattad. Fuck yeah!

7. Doing pelvic thrusts with a bunch of random guys and touching yourself in public is not gay AT ALL.
It's called swag juice.

 

8. Poetic vulgar SMSes always make a woman wet.
Worsworth who? Keats what? If you want to make a woman want your schlong, nothing does it better than sending her dozens of vulgar SMSes. Oh yes, if the sentences rhyme like a Bhojpuri song, it's almost 100% certain that you're gonna get laid.

9. Dancing = Foreplay. So, LOTS and LOTS of dancing, please.
So you're meeting the babe of your dreams and sneak her into your shop to make the sweet sex with her. What do you do? Dance. Dance like there's no tomorrow, because second base/third base doesn't do it anymore. Dance like a motherfucking monkey on coke. And in the end don't have sex. Just roll around on the floor for exactly 33 times and then go home.

10. It's completely OK to touch a woman's breasts the second time you meet her.
I'm telling you, this is 2013. Just go for the titties.

11. It is not OK to sleep in the same bed without getting married.
It is okay to make out with a stranger without EVER talking to him. It's fine if he's had sex with every woman in the village(which each woman has a detailed report about). Dancing like a motherfucker with the occasional boob touch is still cool. It's awesome if you guys elope after all this. But please, fellas. This is India and we should respect our culture. IT IS NOT OKAY TO SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM WITHOUT GETTING MARRIED. NOT COOL.

12. Exhibitionism is awesome
Now that you're married, you can have sweet baby-making in a lodge with a window with no curtains or blinds, through which the whole town can watch you do it doggy-style. So what if both your clans are hunting for both of you with loaded rifles. Public sex is a turn-on and it's the most important thing. Even if it means losing your lives. Or your heads. Or both, actually.

13. Villagers use Twitter all the time.
Yes there's no electricity most of the time, but every villager in this country has Twitter. Hell, he's probably tweeting 'No electricity for past 7 hours. Shit, yaar' as we speak.

14. Your opponents' guns will never work if you are within 10 metres of shooting distance.
Countless Bollywood movies have taught me this, but Ram Leela has confirmed it. Thanks, Bhansali!

15. If your daughter has a wedding ring on her finger, cut the finger off.
Um....yeah.

16. You need a sanctioned order for Genocide.
Who cares if you can shoot anyone you want including children, and are free to rape any woman who you fancy, or that you never gave a fuck about the police before. If you want to wipe out an entire clan, you HAVE TO stick to the rules, and get an order of approval from your clan Head and only then can you proceed for genocide. Makes sense, na?