16 life lessons I've learnt from Ram-Leela

1. It is OK to shoot a child if he urinates inside your compound.
Because, you know, fuck Child Welfare. He's a member of the other caste, so it's pretty obvious that you can shoot him down.

2. We should respect our women.
Shooting children is a different story. Ram and his whole clan respect women. They respect women so much that Ram even runs a pornographic theater and DVD library dedicated to the spirit of women. He is also quite the gentleman with his expressions. And his friends enjoy the occasional rape after downing half a bottle of beer. So much respect.

3. Anything less than 3 inches of cleavage is uncool.
In a land where women hold such a high amount of respect, it is obvious that outfits revealing less than 3 inches of cleavage are soooooooooooooo 2008, bro. Yes there is a high possibility of you getting raped, but it's the same if you're gonna wear a burkha. So go ahead, look like a dirty skank! Yay feminism!

4. French kissing is a great way to break the ice with the stranger.
Don't worry if you're nervous to speak to the girl of your dreams. Just go and make out with her the moment you lay eyes on her. Or just look at her creepily enough for her to come make out with you. Works all the time, especially during Holi season.
Oh and it doesn't matter if she's from the rival clan and you make out with her in front of hundreds of people of her clan. Or that she's the daughter of the clan's Head. They will definitely look away when you guys make out and will spot you only after you're done with that along with a bit of dancing. Completely cool.

5. Dancing half-naked with dozens of women makes you an eligible husband.
Do you own a pornographic theatre? Have you had sex with every woman in the village? Do you boast about it to your family? Well, that's awesome! OFCOURSE every girl wants to marry you, especially the hottest woman who also happens to be the daughter of the rival clan. Pliss to post on shaadi.com, your profile will receive maximum hits. Along with the photo of you shirtless with oil smothered all over you and tons of women wanting your dong.

6. Fuck dancing lessons. If you've got dandruff, your name is Michael Fucking Jackson.
Because, Tattad Tattad. Fuck yeah!

7. Doing pelvic thrusts with a bunch of random guys and touching yourself in public is not gay AT ALL.
It's called swag juice.

 

8. Poetic vulgar SMSes always make a woman wet.
Worsworth who? Keats what? If you want to make a woman want your schlong, nothing does it better than sending her dozens of vulgar SMSes. Oh yes, if the sentences rhyme like a Bhojpuri song, it's almost 100% certain that you're gonna get laid.

9. Dancing = Foreplay. So, LOTS and LOTS of dancing, please.
So you're meeting the babe of your dreams and sneak her into your shop to make the sweet sex with her. What do you do? Dance. Dance like there's no tomorrow, because second base/third base doesn't do it anymore. Dance like a motherfucking monkey on coke. And in the end don't have sex. Just roll around on the floor for exactly 33 times and then go home.

10. It's completely OK to touch a woman's breasts the second time you meet her.
I'm telling you, this is 2013. Just go for the titties.

11. It is not OK to sleep in the same bed without getting married.
It is okay to make out with a stranger without EVER talking to him. It's fine if he's had sex with every woman in the village(which each woman has a detailed report about). Dancing like a motherfucker with the occasional boob touch is still cool. It's awesome if you guys elope after all this. But please, fellas. This is India and we should respect our culture. IT IS NOT OKAY TO SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM WITHOUT GETTING MARRIED. NOT COOL.

12. Exhibitionism is awesome
Now that you're married, you can have sweet baby-making in a lodge with a window with no curtains or blinds, through which the whole town can watch you do it doggy-style. So what if both your clans are hunting for both of you with loaded rifles. Public sex is a turn-on and it's the most important thing. Even if it means losing your lives. Or your heads. Or both, actually.

13. Villagers use Twitter all the time.
Yes there's no electricity most of the time, but every villager in this country has Twitter. Hell, he's probably tweeting 'No electricity for past 7 hours. Shit, yaar' as we speak.

14. Your opponents' guns will never work if you are within 10 metres of shooting distance.
Countless Bollywood movies have taught me this, but Ram Leela has confirmed it. Thanks, Bhansali!

15. If your daughter has a wedding ring on her finger, cut the finger off.
Um....yeah.

16. You need a sanctioned order for Genocide.
Who cares if you can shoot anyone you want including children, and are free to rape any woman who you fancy, or that you never gave a fuck about the police before. If you want to wipe out an entire clan, you HAVE TO stick to the rules, and get an order of approval from your clan Head and only then can you proceed for genocide. Makes sense, na?

God Hates Us All: 15 life lessons I learnt from Hank Moody

“Good morning, Hell-A. In the land of the lotus-eaters, time plays tricks on you. One day you’re dreaming, the next, your dream has become your reality. It was the best of times. If only someone had told me. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned. My family goes on without me, while I drown in a sea of pointless pussy. I don’t know how I got here. But here I am, rotting away in the warm California sun. There are things I need to figure out, for her sake, at least. The clock is ticking. The gap is widening. She won’t always love me 'no matter what' ."

He's everything you would hate in a man. He's also everything you would love in a man. He's the embodiment of everything bad-ass, but also a cupcake deep down. With a screen presence so magnetic, so charming, so electrifying, it sometimes make me doubt my sexuality. For his forever-calm demeanour, his colourful metaphors, his Casanova personality, his dry sense of humour and for many more reasons which makes him the cool son of a bitch he is, Hank Moody is one of my favourite screen characters of all time.

Under all the sex, nudity, drugs, rock and roll, violence, romance, heartbreak and a story arc that hardly ever changes, Californication is about how to live life, and how not to as well. And there's no better entity to teach you life lessons than Hank-fucking-Moody.

15 Life Lessons I learnt from Hank Moody

1. Be a child at heart

Under that suave exterior and the seasoned wisdom,  Hank Moody is a child at heart. He fucks like a rockstar but those sudden childish mannerisms, the impersonations, the way he says 'MADAFACKAAA' and those innocent puppy dog eyes, all suggest that deep down, he is a child. A child craving to be understood, a child craving to be loved.

So, be innocent. Be naive. Be playful. Be irritating. Be energetic. Be hungry. Be foolish. Be a child. Be downright fucking honest. Be a child.

2. Stay old-school.

You don't need high-street fashion to look irresistible. You don't need that iPad 3 of iPhone 6. You don't need to listen to what all the 'cool' kids are listening to these days. You don't need an app to write that book or your random thoughts. You don't need online sticky notes.

Hank reaffirmed my faith in classic rock music. To wear my old jeans and the black shirts that I love. To write on paper and the countless notebooks I buy every week. 

To stay old-school, and be proud of it. 

3. Be calm. Stay calm.

For such an explosive personality, if you take a closer look, Hank is calm like a bomb. Only when provoked to a point beyond reason does he ever react. I don't understand why people have to lose their shit all the time; I remember an incident where a random son of a bitch on the road wanted to beat me up, 'cause he thought I was staring at him. DAFUQ?

Temper is like your dick. You might have one, it might be big or small, but there's no reason to whip it out and wave it around. It's just nasty.

4. Sarcasm is the best defence. And offence.

This is one of the characteristics I can't get enough out of Hank Moody. Whenever you're faced with an argument, irrespective of how healthy it is, sarcasm is the best form of defence or offence. The ones who get it will either commend you or hate you for being so smart, and the ones who don't get it, well, they don't deserve to be involved in a conversation with a cool motherfucker such as yourself.

5. Whiskey doesn't give you the answers, but helps you forget the questions.

Now I'm not promoting alcoholism here. But like in Hank's case, whiskey always calms me down and helps me think straight. Yes, we all get a little emotional when we're under the influence, but other than that, whiskey has been known to relieve you of all your stress after a long day, when you unwind over a drink with your friends. That doesn't mean you should pick up the bottle and drown yourself in it 24/7. Have a drink or two once a week. And one more thing: NEVER DRINK ALONE.

6. Stand up for yourself.

Like I said before, be calm until provoked to act otherwise. This doesn't mean you pounce on someone because he called you a 'fuck-wad', but stand your ground. You have a an identity for a reason, a voice for a reason. Don't let anyone tell you you're lesser than what you are. Don't let anyone walk over you. If people try treating you like shit, give it right back to them, served cold on a fucking salad platter.

7. Sex is about quality, not quantity.

Out of the several different women on the show that Hank has done the dirty deed with, he still would run right back to Karen and make love to only her for the rest of their lives if given the chance. You're not getting anywhere if you have sex with a lot of women. It doesn't make you a rockstar, it doesn't make you happy in the long run. It doesn't mean shit. And if you're the ones who do it and brag about it to your friends and acquaintances, you don't deserve sex in the first place. I'm not saying sex should only be marital, that's just silly. Sex is simply the most intimate and highest expression of love, and it should be shared with only someone you're in love with. That's why it's called 'making love'.

So if you're single and haven't seen any action in months, don't jump on the first piece of meat you come across. Wait for it. A night of loneliness is always better than a morning of awkwardness.

8. Fall hopelessly in love.

Akin to the previous point, before sex, comes love. Anyone who's watched the show can see how much Hank cares about Karen and how he'd leave everything and run to her if she said the word. He even looks at her in a way different from the way he looks at any other woman. She's his 'baby momma', and the love of his life. Don't be afraid to fall in love. It might come early, it might come later. But when it does, let it engulf you, let it take you by storm, let it give meaning to your otherwise useless existence. When you do find it, never let it go. Find that someone who's as comfortable talking about your bowel movements as she is talking about her favourite movie. Not everyone finds such a best friend in a lover. So if you do, consider yourself lucky and make it worth it for you, as well as for her.

9. Keep your friends close. Period.

Whether it's a bad breakup, a finale of your favourite TV series, a bout of self-doubt, confusion or depression, or just getting drunk and fucked up, your friends are the ones who're gonna get you through the best of times, as well as the worst. Hank meets a lot of people on a daily basis, but his circle of friends doesn't go beyond Charlie, Marcy and sometimes Lew Ashby. You don't need a lot of friends. Choose the ones who've been with you both the darkest and the happiest times of your life, not the ones you make at a party and comment on their photos on Facebook once in a while. And if you happen to become big or famous, don't forget the ones who knew you when you were nothing.

10. Love your women. Respect them more.

As a fellow avid lover of women, I empathise with Hank when he's called a womaniser all the time. Yes he's had sex with a lot of women from afar it looks like he treats them as sex objects. But what no one sees is that he never treats his women badly or with a lack of respect. He's a badass, but he's always been a gentleman. He could've destroyed Mia's life for what she did to him, but he chose not to. Because we are nothing without our women. They're the reason we took birth, they're the reason we exist. Think a hundred times before blatantly judging them and putting them down or hurting them. Chauvinism doesn't get you sex, does it?

11. Never forget your roots.

Hank might have moved to LA to make a living, but his heart is always back in New York. Be it his friends, his style of writing, his love, his taste in music or the people he hangs out with, Hank never forgets where he came from, and the person he used to be before he became a successful writer. Neither should you. We all tend to change into different people as life moves along, and I'm not saying change is bad. But never change the person you really are on the inside, unless it's for the good. Staying grounded and sticking to the roots will make you a better person than you could ever be. 

12. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Fuck being diplomatic, fuck trying to please people, fuck sugar-coated responses. Speak your heart, speak your mind and be fucking honest. The title is pretty self-explanatory.




13. Family is more important than you think.

The scene on the left ranks right at the top among my favourite TV moments. The sheer beauty of the scene with Hank and Becca's silhouettes makes you forget that you're just watching a fucking TV show. Hank loves his daughter and her mother more than anything in the world, and it reminds me of how important my family is to me.
We might hate them, love them, can't live with them and can't live without them. But while everything else in your life changes, they're the only people who are always the same.


14. Never lose hope.

Though his life maybe over troubled waters for most of the time, Hank never loses focus of the bigger picture. Every day is another battle as he tries to re-unite with the love of his life and his daughter, and be inspired to do what he was born to do: write. So no matter how low you are in the abscesses of self-destruction, never lose that sliver of hope. That little sliver is what gets us through our darkest times and do things of greatness and grandeur.

15. God Hates Us All

Hank couldn't have chosen a better name for his best-selling work of literature, which would also be suitable for a movie about my life, if there would ever be one. I'm not a very staunch believer in God, and the only Gods I know are Rajinikanth and Morgan Freeman. But if there was a God, I'm sure he hates us all. Why else would he put us through so many tests, illusions of pleasure, bouts of depressions, hardships, pain, suffering and sorrow? Why does he give us temporary happiness and then decide to destroy every single shard of it?
That's because, that's how it's supposed to be. As simple as that. We wouldn't appreciate happiness if we never undergo sorrow. We wouldn't appreciate pleasure if we've never felt pain. We wouldn't appreciate success if we don't go through a hundred failures. We'd never experience the beauty of love unless we keep trying hard to earn it.
Look deep inside, and you'll understand that we are architects of our own lives. Yes, fate has a big part to play, but most of what happens to us is just consequences of our actions. They key is to make peace with the fact that God hates us all, and do what you do without hurting anyone, or yourself for that matter. Live, let live, love, be loved, smile, and be smiled at.

That's pretty much all you can do anyways.

BBPIN: GOFUCKYOURSELF.

Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone. Really. You know I love you guys, right? OK.

Something's amiss.

So there I am, minding my own business on an uneventful Tuesday evening, scrolling through scores of meaningless posts on my Facebook feed when I started noticing a pattern. There was a steady stream of the same bullshit status messages, more meaningless than the previous one. Almost every Tom, Dick and Harry was proudly putting up his/her 'Blackberry Pin' as a status update. Some of them who I don't talk to much, and some of them who a lot of people don't talk to.

So where was all this love for Blackberry when it was sinking? Where were all these Blackberry 'loyalists' when  it went down the drain not a long time ago? Agreed, BBM is now available on iOS and Android. Whoop-de-fucking-do. With Whatsapp, Hike and a dozen new messaging services mushrooming everyday, is the cross-platform launch of a has-been service something that huge to celebrate?

Like moths to a flame.

Throughout the course of history, people have ALWAYS criticized something that they don't understand. Wonders get unnoticed mostly, but if someone you know raves about it, it is imperative for us as humans to talk about it, rave about it, own it, and pretend to like it when we actually might not.

With all due respect to Blackberry and the original loyalists, I have no idea why this BB-pin status flood caused so much angst within me. I might be really reaching for something here, but is this how being part of a mob feels like? To be part of a political procession led by a good-for-nothing scumbag politician, and mindlessly cry praises in his honour just because the person next to you is doing it? To commit hate crimes against people whom you don't know why you hate in the first place?

Some of you might actually be fans of BBM and are genuinely elated about the launch on Android and iOS after its downfall. But most of you, I don't know what to tell you. Most of you don't even know why you downloaded it. I swear to God, a friend of mine came to me, asked me matter-of-factly if I've downloaded BBM on my Android phone yet, to which I said 'No, now why would I do that?'

To which he said this: "Um, just like that?"

I still don't know if that was an answer or a question, if he was asking me or telling me something. But I know for a fact that he doesn't know either, and neither did you. 

However, what I can do is to create hypothetical scenarios and personas which you might fit into: 

1. The ones who drink Red Bull without knowing what it does to you, being duped into a placebo effect thinking that you'd be set to party the whole night like a rockstar. 
2. The one who went to the Swedish House Mafia concert without even knowing who they are, only because everyone was talking about it.  
3. The ones who watched The Hangover in the theater and pretended to laugh. Hard.
4. The ones who think David Guetta is the coolest thing to happen to music but don't have a clue who David Gilmour is.
5. The ones who own 'Mein Kampf' but don't know what Hitler's party is called
6. The ones who struggle through engineering and eventually bribe the management to clear their papers, and then start planning for 'higher studies' in the States
7. The ones who plan for 'higher studies' in the States, and think the capital of the state of New York is New York City
8. ...and the ones who didn't know New York was a state
9. The ones who look at a pretty-looking photograph and ask the photographer, 'Hey you must have used a nice camera. Which one was it?'
10. The ones who bought an SLR after that.
11. The ones who then fight about who has bigger megapixels. Because bigger megapixels = better camera, right? :/
12. The ones who think a quad-core processor on a phone is good for faster messaging(Sorry Aarti lol)
13. The ones who sing songs about vodka being the ultimate drink.
14. The ones who compete with their 'friends' about who can smoke more pot, drop more stamps and snort more lines of coke.
15. The ones who contribute to the box-office collections of a Salman Khan movie but think Abhay Deol  is a waste of time and Nawazuddin Siddiqui is a watchman.
16. The ones who went overboard and got Sheeshas banned.
17. The ones who thought Breaking Bad was an action video game.
18. The ones who uphold Indian culture and enforce moral policing, but get caught watching porn in the Parliament.
19. The ones who join candle marches to pray for a rape victim, but jerk off to 'Sheila Ki Jawaani' later that night
20. The ones who called the girl in the DPS MMS Scandal a dirty culture-less whore, but downloaded the full version of the video that evening 'by mistake'

Wake up and smell the fucking coffee.

I might be either terribly right or horribly wrong. No disrespect against any of you and you can call me a cunt if you like or ask me to go fuck a cadaverous farm animal. 

But my fellow countrymen and seemingly ignorant individuals, my sincere request to you is this:

• Have a fucking mind of your own.
• As much as I worship Tyler Durden, I believe we aren't all part of the same compost heap. Most of us, atleast some us might be unique snowflakes. Act like an individual.
• Please don't ape trends, and please don't make something undeserving a trend.
• Please don't buy things you don't need. If you do have money to burn, please make your kind donations to 'The RawMango Charitable Trust for the Poor and Hungry'. For those interested, it really exists.
• For God's sake don't join a social cause just for the sake of it. It's not cool.
• DO NOT give in to marketing gimmicks unless you really believe in it. Paraphrasing Simon Sinek once again but through your eyes, Don't buy 'what' companies sell. Buy 'why' they sell it.
• Don't criticize what you can't understand. Be it someone's sexuality or their bizarre taste in movies or the color of their socks. It ain't your life.
• Wayfarers without lenses DO NOT constitute 'swag'. Take them off, right now. For the love of humanity.
• Do not give in to peer pressure. Don't try to act cool and do things you might regret doing, like dying, etc.
• Listen to the music YOU like. Not what your friend does. And for God's sake do not criticize Classic Rock if you listen to things like Bruno Mars or Pitbull
• Do not join mobs. For obvious reasons.
• Write. Write. Write. Whatever you feel like. Wherever you feel like.
• Find what you love and let it kill you. And be fucking proud of what you love.
• Don't 'fit in'. Strive to be different. Every. Fucking. Day.
• Don't form opinions and harbour preconceived notions about people ( like I just did)

A World without Coca-Cola.

"Do you really want to live in a world without Coca-Cola?"

- Walter White/Heisenberg, Breaking Bad

I worship Breaking Bad, like so many other purists who knew of it before it became as famous as it is now, as well as like the newbies who started watching it because their friends were watching it. There have been several instances where Walter aka Heisenberg has employed the use of his 'colorful metaphors' to describe certain situations in his descent into darkness. 

After the show ended, I started watching random episodes again(it's now playing on Star World) with the homies, the girlfriend, or all by myself. Out of all the episodes, out of all the metaphors and quotes that Heisenberg spurts out sporadically in his trademark bad-ass baritone, the aforementioned quote(as well as the story behind it) is by far, the most insanely brilliant moment in television history. For those who don't know, Heisenberg describes the chemical potency of his product, that is 'crystal meth', to a group of meth manufacturers and distributors. What he says is that what the distributors produce is an impure, low-grade substance, comparing it to a sub-standard fizzy soda. And what he makes, is 'Classic Coke'.

Walt Buys a can of coke with the first ever dollar earned at the Car Wash.

When I watched the episode for the first time, I was just spellbound by the sheer audacity of the scene, and stood up and clapped at how fucking insane that moment was. As I watched that episode over and over again, I started taking something else out of the scene. There are so many things to take out of Breaking Bad, but this wasn't about Breaking Bad itself. Breaking Bad has had a powerful impact on me, but something else had an impact on something so powerful like Breaking Bad. Some entity that is so powerful and influential that a show like Breaking Bad had to feature it not once, but twice through the course of its cumulative airtime.

Like Heisenberg, I asked myself, "Do I really want to live in a world without Coca-Cola?" 

The World's Most Loved Brand

I always used to be a 'Pepsi fanboy', but I can't help but marvel at the sheer brilliance of how Coke has reached the hearts of billions of people all over the world. Until recently, Coke was the 'World's Most Valuable and Recognized Brand' till Apple and Google came along and pushed Coke down the charts. 

Still, the brand is recognized by 94% of the world's population. It is also the most valuable brand product on Facebook, and controls 44% of the global soda market share. Pepsi might come close to Coke in terms of revenue, but can never even imagine compare to the Coke's reach into the global marketplace, and the minds and hearts of consumers. And Coke's been doing this in style, for decades, even centuries.

So why is Coke so popular? For  a company that sells a calorie-heavy product that even contains pesticides, it is unfathomable to see it grow to be the world's most loved brand.  While other cola companies would communicate to the world that their product is completely pesticide-free and contains very few calories, Coke stuck to doing what they do best, and said this:

Sayin' it like it is.

While other brands fight it out over numerous celebrity endorsements, radical advertising strategies, cool-sounding brand stories,  and over-the-top marketing communication, Coke broke it down, got right to the roots and based their entire marketing communication around both the most complicated yet most simple emotion known to mankind: Happiness.

Opening Happiness

As much as I hate the three annoying cast members of that pathetic movie 'Student of the Year', I couldn't help but admire their latest TV ad campaign for Coke that promotes happiness through 'random acts of kindness'. The funda is simple: if you see anyone having a rough day, especially to strangers, hand them a Coke! It implies the notion that if people call you crazy for being kind to strangers, be proud to be crazy.

One of the few ads during my teenage years that actually made me smile.

Coke was smart enough to recognize the effect it was having on its consumers, and took that emotion and made it their brand story. It probably began when it was losing out to Pepsi for a few years, Coke spent years on understanding consumer psychology, and realized that the true secret to success is to not sell a product, but to sell feelings! The packaging for instance, the bottle design, went back to the 'classic coke' style, evoking memories of a simpler, happier time. One thing many people might not know is that Coke made it a point to get their product to the soldiers who were part of World War II. It was like getting a letter from home, but in this case, it was a soda.

Coke took the core element of happiness, made their communication as simple as possible. I'm sure for a fact that if you try to correlate the color red to a product, the first thing you would think of is Coke. Coke understood this very well and used their brand recall and loyalty to their advantage and designed an overall 'glocal marketing strategy' to share the love back to their consumers. I wouldn't want to get into the social and community-based initiatives by Coke, because quite simply, I'm not into that sort of thing when brands use social causes to their advantage.

Coming to my own life and the ones of the people I know, I've observed the following situations:

• Biriyani is incomplete without a dose of Coke. So is Pizza. And french fries. And Tandoori Chicken. And chips. And Kathi rolls. OK, I guess you get the point.
• Coke is a unanimous friend to the otherwise repulsive spirit called Rum.
• Movies aren't the same without Coke.
• Speaking of movies, popcorn isn't the same without Coke.
• You always tend to sub-consciously stock up on Coke during cricket matches. Whether is is consumed during the match, after winning or after losing. It doesn't matter.
• Sunny day = a bottle of coke. Or two.
• Chilling in the College canteen = a few bottles of coke. Or 15.
• Coke Ads  in the early 2000s with Aamir Khan. Class.
• When there is a large social gathering, especially in the case of families and relatives, someone ALWAYS has to say the phrase "Array yaar, koi Coke-shoke leke aao."

But why?

It so happened once that I was waiting for someone outside a restaurant, smoking a cigarette and sipping on a half-liter bottle of Coke to while away time, when a street kid, came begging, asking for money. She didn't notice the bottle of Coke in my hand yet. When she did, she told me, "Actually, don't give me any money. Just let me have the rest of that Coke." I did, and on her face I saw a smile so genuine, it made me wonder about the last time I saw a kid smile like that.

Come to think of it, Coke does equal happiness. People identify with Coke because happiness as a virtue, as an emotion, as a feeling is something we all yearn for in a way.

But on a broader perspective, why would any brand use a common word such as 'happiness' and build their campaigns around it? Would any regular brand go for something so simple, take such a big risk? People might say, 'LOL happiness? you gotta be fucking kidding me!' or 'Open Happiness? That sounds so gay!'

But why did it click?

The greatest and most successful brands have always established a personal connection with their consumers, and kept the communication simple. The most successful have always believed in selling feelings, over selling the product. Martin Luther King did it with 'I have a dream'. Apple did it with 'Think Different'. Nike did it with 'Just Do It'. Coke didn't do anything different. They all kept it simple.

And that, is where Coke hit the jackpot. Coke understood that if they believed in the emotion of something as pure, raw and simple as happiness,  people would believe in their idea and would buy their product, for sure. 

To quote Simon Sinek from 'The Golden Circle' philosophy, 

"People don't buy WHAT you do, they buy WHY you do it."

So seriously. Do you really wanna live in a world without Coke?

Every now and then.

For everyone who's had that one sordid love affair you can never get out of.

Chennai rains and Chennai girls : Confessions of a Chennai Pluviophile

On this gloomy Sunday Chennai morning, I can't help but contemplate about the past, the present and future prospects as I walk my dogs down my street. I do this on a daily basis, and many a time in the rain, but no morning has been so moody and thought-provoking as this.

In the past couple of months I've seen my life turn around in front of my eyes, totally aware and awake, yet totally unaware and dazed. Going through a rough phase following a breakup, drowned in self-pity and hopelessness, I never thought I could be the same person again. Though I don't really blame anyone for it, what remained behind was a total disregard for humanity and a a complete shock in context to the erratic nature of us human beings. It was shocking to see how quickly how most of us change in such a short span of time. It was shocking how quickly our whole outlook and perception towards certain things change. Our belief systems, our principles, our desires, our ambitions, our dreams, our whole persona can change in an instant. Change may be good, but at what cost?


And then I discovered what change really is, when I met a woman I used to know as a friendly acquaintance about a couple of months ago. Conversations led to repulsion led to even more conversations led to a few meetings led to some more repulsion led to more meetings and a whole lot more conversation led to eventual persuasion. What followed has been nothing short of the stuff that goes into novels and novellas. What's even more intriguing is the huge role that the Chennai monsoon has played into scripting the prologue of a hopefully long and never-ending tale.

This woman, the rains and a lot of other factors have culminated into a peculiar emotion of pleasant surrealism, and I often find myself wondering if this is really happening. The familiar streets I used to walk on a regular basis, the familiar places I used to frequent since I was a child, suddenly seem totally new. I found every single Bollywood cliche coming to life, especially in the context of the role rain plays in typical Bollywood movies. This rain, this fucking rain, makes everything so unbelievable, so surreal that you start to question your sanity and also induces a fear of what will happen if I lose what I have right now, if I lose her in the future.

But at the same time it's made my turbulent mind come to terms with life. This woman and this rain together have changed  me in and out, and helped me come to terms with my past. They've taught me to be more understanding, more compassionate and made it easier to let go of the things I tried to hold on to unnecessarily. They've made me feel guilty about blaming myself, blaming the person I used to be with earlier. Why did I blame her so much? It wasn't her fault. She moved on, and I didn't. It's as simple as that. We come across so many people in our lives and every single person has a part to play in our lives, and changes us forever. Maybe for the bad, maybe for the good. But every single thing is an experience, which is obviously good. And so did the person with whom I used to be. She changed me in so many ways, and so will the woman I'm with right now. If I could, I'd hold on to this forever, but life doesn't work that way. The only constant is 'change'. However, is isn't wrong to have a little hope, and try working towards holding on to what/who you love.



As I inhale the final few drags of my morning cigarette, I can't help but think that these Chennai rains and Chennai girls are also weirdly comforting, soothing and constantly remind you to chill the fuck out. They teach you that life, though beautiful, is unpredictable. Sometimes there's a drizzle, sometimes there's a fucking downpour. You might find shelter, or you might get drenched to the bone. It's up to you whether you want to carry an umbrella and protect yourself, or let the chips fall where they may. And of course, there is this other situation where you carry an umbrella, it rains, and you decide to throw that fucking umbrella away and get drenched anyways.

You can't expect it to rain when you want it to, neither can you expect it to stop when you want it to. Just do what you're doing with an honest heart and an open mind, and enjoy the fucking moment. If something is meant to happen, it will.

"That may be all I need

In darkness, she is all I see

Come and rest your bones with me

Driving slow on Sunday morning

And I never want to leave."

Master, Kothu Parotta and Life. In that order.

Important Notice: If you don't know what a Kothu Parotta is, here you go: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kothu_Parotta

As much as I enjoy watching Masterchef Australia on Star World or countless random food shows on TLC about how different dishes across the world are actually made from scratch, I usually don't give a shit when I actually sit and order something for myself. All I care about is how fast it gets to my table and how edible it is in the end. This is what I follow usually, barring of course this one situation.

 My first encounter with this entity dates back to a just more than a couple of years ago, when I was still in college, doing my thing, merely existing without giving two fucks about the future. So there we would be, standing in a circle and questioning our existence and our purpose in an engineering college, amidst smoke from a countless cigarettes vanishing into the sultry humid evening sky.

One of us would order the Kothu Parottas for all of us, and the 'Master'(as these culinary artists are fondly known as at every local street eatery) would scratch his masala-laden baniyan and nod without looking at you. And out of nowhere, he begins. It's the first sound of the steel spatula hitting the tawa that snaps you to to realize, 'Yes, it's time.'

One by one he'd add all the ingredients: the tomatoes, the chillies, the curry leaves, the cardamom, the freshly torn pieces of the parottas, and the eggs. And after each round, like a DJ at any trashy EDM gig, he would play his steady, rhythmically incremental beats when he strikes the ingredients frying on the tawa. Only here, the console is a tawa and the DJ is a man clad in a baniyan and lungi of a hygiene level best left unquestioned, and a couple of metal spatulas. And the experience isn't trashy.

Every time I'm engulfed in this experience, listening to that insanely trippy beat of the utensils clanging against the sizzle of the tawa, a thousand different questions arise as my mind totally shifts to another parallel dimension. 

Who are these men? Are they human? Are they artists? Are they some secret agents? Are they messengers of God? Or are they God himself?

I can't help but ponder over the limitless symbolism behind the experience of watching a Kothu Parotta Master at work. I'd like to believe that the Master symbolizes God, and the tawa is our world as we know it. After every serving he dishes out, he wipes our world clean, preparing for the next apocalypse. And then begins his process of creation, with each one of us as its epicenter. The ingredients represent are your family, your friends, your acquaintances, your enemies, your dreams, your aspirations, your decisions, your hardships, your memories, your fears, your joys, your sorrows and every feeling you'd ever experience throughout your life. 

The irregular pieces of Parotta are nothing but you, thrown in randomly. Like Voldemort splits his soul into different pieces stored at different random locations, the Parotta pieces represent you at different points of your life. It's when you meet the other aforementioned ingredients do you become a different person at different stages of your life. With every friend you gain or lose, every thought you nurture, every dream you pursue, every situation you fear and avoid, with every joy and memory you cherish, or every hardship you endure,  you become a different person and your life takes a different turn. Even a person standing 5 feet away from you at the bus stop, or the Mentos you chewed on after your last cigarette, is inevitably going to affect your life in some way or the other.

After the Master is done mashing you and the other ingredients set to that resounding beat, he laps it up and serves it to you. You've had it a million times before, experienced it a million times before but you expect something different out of every situation. 

All he does is take your life back, acts like he's adding some masala to it, mashes it up again and serves it back to you. On a plate. And you think you're getting something new each time, but it isn't. It's the same, you just think it's new and act accordingly.

Now it's up to you what you want to do with your life...err...your dish. You can either add the accompanying gravy, mix it and relish it over multiple bites. Or try to eat it too quickly and end up burning your tongue. Or wait for it to cool down and have it when you're ready. Or not eat it all, thinking that it'll affect you adversely.

Or, be your own Kothu Parotta Master. The choice is yours.